..God reached in when I wouldn't move and yanked me off His throne. When I missed the subtle hint of move, he may have shouted, "You better get yourself out of my chair, child!"
Where was the good in abuse for over a decade as a child? Where was the good in watching my fiancée collapse from a cerebral hematoma and wake up out of a coma weeks later as though he was seven years old again? What was good about having bipolar disorder? I could keep going, but you get what I am saying. What was good about any of it? NOTHING!
Whatever I may be feeling, or not feeling at this point, is understandable. I give myself permission to sit in the cold of my soul, and pout. I offer myself time to heal, and to find the cinder still burning deep down.
This is the truth. I have Bipolar disorder, I have lived with this for most of life. The childhood abuse I endured did one heck of a number on my brain and chemistry, changing forever what could have probably been a normal mind. Once I hit adulthood and a manic episode ended in the worst …
As an abused child, I stayed locked behind the bars my abuser erected for the keeping. I held on tight to those bars in hopes they would protect me. Their true purpose was to contain me. The darkness I felt then, I feel now.
In the search for my positive side, the word ‘better’ feels like a good place to start. For years, I have been chasing better-better health, better walk with God, better communication, and above all, a better situation for my daughter. That last one, it is breaking my heart and tearing me in pieces that are …
Will I ever pray again? I ponder the deep level of love I once felt, and the superficial floating I now do. Where have I gone? Satan is using the power in another's life to overcome me. I see it, but I have no tools to fight. I am too tired to pick up my accessories in faith and swing. I am weak.
..Our world is fast changing folks. There is a decline in morality, and it is staggering. The loss of hope infecting many young hearts and minds is painful. Pride, selfishness, deceit, and greed dictate how lives function. The greater good is lost to personal agenda. Personal agenda, blurred by desire for wants more than needs.
Wherever I hide, my feelings find me. I am struggling with this at the time.
This past summer I stopped in a very dark alley of my life. I stopped, and I kneeled. I took a very long and deep breath. I am still exhaling today. For the love of myself, the me that I want to be, it was a necessary step to take.